I’ve been a tad quieter than usual for a couple of weeks, having recently moved house, and I think most people would agree that this is a fairly stressful and time consuming process both before and after the event. It’s obviously a completely normal occurrence that happens all the time and I guess some people cope with changes better than others. It is a big upheaval, especially with a child in tow, and one that requires a lot of effort and planning. If you’re somebody (like me) who feels better when their daily life is routine and things are planned, then moving house feels like everything is thrown into disarray. All of a sudden I can’t find anything, nothing is where it’s supposed to be, I can’t remember where my socks are, and it’s these little things that can send my mind into a tailspin. To give myself some credit I do roll with the changes the best I can and recently I’ve become much better at taking things in my stride once again, which is something I used to pride myself on pre anxiety-brain. In the case of the recent house move it’s been a bit of an odd one for me. I had a mini meltdown on moving day but I pretty much anticipated that one, but thereafter I was pretty much ok. That is until we got to the new place and I realised I wouldn’t have any Wi-Fi for about 2 weeks. I knew we wouldn’t have Broadband but I thought my 4G would be fine and my data allowance was sufficient to see me through. But apparently in this neck of the woods it’s frankly impossible to keep a signal. I internally freaked out, because being able to speak with people, interact on my social media and share stuff is a huge part of my daily life.
Since Gwen was born I went from being a (semi) normal person who left the house without nearly dying of stress everyday and acted on my own terms for the most part. I could freely walk out the door whenever I pleased to do things like… go to work… Or pop to the shops, book appointments, see a friend without planning in advance, go out to get my nails done at the last minute. You get the idea. It was really hard for me to adjust to being a parent, and right now (and I have to stress that part because things obviously aren’t going to remain this way forever) I spend much time alone with Gwen or out with Gwen and don’t have a great deal of other human contact. I don’t have a huge group of friends nearby or many friends at all for that matter; I seemed to lose quite a few after having Gwen, partly through my own fault, partly because I had quite a few younger friends who didn’t really get my new mum status, yet I still have virtually no ‘mum’ friends. I have a core group of people who I see every few months and they’re my oldest mates, but on a daily basis I’m a bit of a loner. And having no easy access to the Internet really bothered me. I can honestly say it’s a lifeline for me. Not just the friend aspect, but as somebody who creates content that’s all online, and is constantly researching (or window shopping!) or listening to music or watching videos, and keeping up-to-date with goings on, y’know, just those little things that make me happy to be alive and feel connected to other parts of the world, the small pleasures in life, it was a bit like having a limb cut off. I actually got really depressed for a few days, and strangely I just felt like my confidence had died. All of a sudden I couldn’t imagine doing anything, or enjoying anything ever again, telling myself I was a terrible mum and awful human, and anyone who has experienced this will know what a horrible and unnatural feeling it is. Thankfully it didn’t last, and I think a large portion of that unraveling of emotions was down to actual exhaustion, and after a couple of early nights I felt of lot better.
Gradually I found ways to get around my lack of Internet issues, like various locations in the house that picked up signal better than others, or taking opportunities when I was out to go online if possible, or like right now being at my parent’s house so I can post this to my blog. This past week has really made me question my reasons for feeling the way I did. Have I turned into one of these people that have irked me so much over the years? Am I simply one of the many casualties of Facebook era bullshit? Do I over share? Do I post too many selfies? I mean I have to admit at this point if I see one more person with Snapchat selfies especially the bloody flower one I might accidently-on-purpose gouge my own eyes out of their sockets. Yet I take selfies. Not multiple times a day, but I love posing and always have! And I love sharing! But why do I have a compulsion to share? Why am I doing any of this? Do I even want to continue? Believe me, during this introspection I didn’t let myself off the hook easily. But I think I finally got my answers….
I wrote a blog post almost a year ago, when comparatively I didn’t know many people, and no one really knew me, and I spoke about meeting friends through the Instagram tabletop community and what it meant to me at that point. Everything I said in that post still stands true, and as time has passed I have found some pretty solid friendship groups. I have a laugh with people, I like people who I get and also get me. It’s not that I just share my own stuff either, I also love having a peek into other people’s lives and interests, and I care about what other people are up to and how they’re doing, and not always necessarily tabletop related stuff. So it’s not a one-sided thing by any means. I like interactions and fun! One of my online friends said that he understood my feelings, as he is an extrovert who doesn’t get to be around others that often, which is exactly like me. Sure, I’m shy in some respects, yes I experience anxiety, and I definitely like my solitude. But I do like other people (some of them…sometimes) and I definitely have an extrovert side with the right crowd. Admittedly I like hearing that someone enjoyed my video, or found one of my silly comments funny, because that’s a nice feeling, I honestly feel it’s the place where I can be myself; where I don’t feel worthless, useless or belittled or any of those other negative shitty things. Whether I’m talking about music, games, movies, food, or any number of random things, it’s like I’ve waved my little weirdo flag high, and mostly nice likeminded people have found me. So I think that’s why I felt so scared and vulnerable at the prospect of losing that, even for a couple of weeks. Not just because I’m an attention seeking self obsessed arse. Well, for the most part. Which is a relief.
So, there is a brief insight into what’s been going on in my mind this past week! I’m pleased to say that I’m feeling slightly more confident again and very really excited to keep sharing parts of my life, and continuing to get to know the good people of the tabletop community and otherwise.
Thanks for reading!